Breaking up is hard to do

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A  number of my friends ended long term relationships in 2013. Long term is of course relative. The length of these relationships was from 3 to 20 plus years. The cause of these break ups? It boiled down to each person having different ideas of what the future should be.

The one couple I know the best, broke up due to many mitigating factors, but the core reason seems to have been each partner’s idea of what it meant to be a couple were completely different. One thought a partner should be there always. They should live together and do everything together. The other wanted to pursue her career that involves lots of traveling, odd work hours and not living together on a daily basis.

My own experience with relationships has been a core difference in the definition of being a couple. I believe each person’s views of what is a couple is heavily influenced by the relationship one saw growing up. In my case, my parents have been married for 56 years, not all were happy, but they stuck it out and are more in love now than they were in their 40s! The key to their success was, in my opinion, due to their conscious choice to not argue with each other. Both are well read and intelligent. They also both enjoy rich lives independently with friends, community and business interests. This allows them to always have something to talk about. So when I think of being in a relationship, the parameters mirror this. I have my life, she has hers, and we come together when we both want to and join ourselves. We are interdependent, not dependent on each other.

This has alas led to none of my relationships working, and let’s be honest, breaking up is hard to do.  The science states that humans feel both emotional and physical pain after a breakup. It also states that our neural pathways get used to seeing someone, and when they are absent it disrupts those pathways. Whatever the science, after a break up you miss your former lover, and it physically can hurt!

However, I believe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I am still searching for my soul mate. I know she is out there, and our views of what a couple are will be in sync!

The laws of attraction

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I have been pondering what makes one person attractive to another. How is it that my hottie does not even register as slightly attractive on anther’s scale? I am of course speaking to one’s initial meeting. How is it that there is that spark or flame that flickers in your belly that says very loudly in your primitive brain “I want to FUCK you!”

Some of you are saying, really? Is it just about sex? The answer is of course it is. Whether you are straight, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, or  gay it’s all about sex baby.The tricky part is whether one acts upon one’s sexual attraction or not. This of course leads back to the movie “When Harry Met Sally.” I am not speaking to the fake orgasm scene at the Carnegie Deli (although that was hilarious) I am speaking to the statement that Harry (Billy Crystal) Makes to Sally (Meg Ryan) that men and women cannot just be friends because all men want to have sex with all women. When I first saw this movie I was aghast! Of course not all men want to have sex with all the women they meet!! How idiotic for Harry to say that. I admit I was so very very wrong.

I am a lesbian. I have lots of men and women friends. I will confess that I have been attracted to each of my friends. Because it is this attraction that starts a friendship. The key choice is whether you act upon the attraction or not! No I of course I do not want to have sex with all of my friends, but I will posit that our friendship began because we found each other attractive. Some will argue there are many different types of attraction, not all sexual. I would again argue that it is one’s initial attraction to another that matters.

This brings up another age old adage of “marry your best friend.” I agree with this. Because if you are attracted to someone and begin a friendship your friendship will lead to familiarity which breeds trust and from trust comes love. Taking that step from friend to lover can be terrifying, and of course there is always the risk of rejection. But I think that the risk is worth the reward.

Are you a Master of Sex?

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I have been watching the new Showtime series “Masters of Sex” and I am truly enjoying it. I am very glad to see that not only are they exploring heterosexual relationships, but homosexual as well. Last night’s episode was so compelling that I felt the need to return to my blog after being absent for the past 4 months! What was it that tripped my switch so to speak? The episode was entitled “Brave New World.” There were a number of subplots but the most compelling, to me. was the scientific proof that a woman has one type of orgasm, not two.

A little history for those not up on your sexual history. Sigmund Freud posited that women were either experiencing “immature” orgasm i.e clitoral orgasms, or “mature” orgasm i.e. vaginal. His view was in response to so many supposed “frigid” women he encountered as a Psychoanalyst. Freud delineated from the two in order to “sanctify” marital heterosexual sex.

Masters and Johnson debunked Freud’s theory scientifically. They proved that the intensity of an orgasm for a woman was actually greater with just clitoral stimulation. These findings prompted the Virginia Johnson character to proclaim  “we don’t need men at all!”

As a lesbian I do not need a man for sexual satisfaction, however, I do need a lover. Yes each of us has the ability to attain orgasm via masturbation, but it is so much more emotionally and physically satisfying to do so with another human being. The studies which Masters and Johnson spearheaded in the 50s and 60s were groundbreaking! Woman were not expected to have physical enjoyment and one of the very first episodes explored why women fake orgasm…the answer? So they can get on with what they have to do. It was a stunning revelation to the Bill Masters character.

The series has touched upon many sexually taboo subjects such as erectile dysfunction, loss of intimacy, loss of a baby. The one thing I have found so refreshing is the stance that I have always embraced. Sex is natural. Sex is a basic need and a basic drive of the human psyche. And sex is best when you abandon all your inhibitions and just go for it! Be attentive with your lover. Be kind. Be thoughtful. These are the keys to being a sex master.

So are you a Master of Sex?

Summertime and the lovin’ is easy

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Summertime has hit my neck of the woods with a hot and steamy wallop. Its almost as though a bodice ripper romance novel has come to life. When the weather gets this hot all I can think of is cooling down with all sorts of refreshing fruits and beverages.

Now some of you may think that when the weather heats up, your ardor will cool. Au contraire, ma frere!  There is something about the summertime, maybe its the baring of flesh or perhaps its the sensual nature of the foods we eat, but summer is the best time for lovin’!

Think about it, you are at a outdoor party where the hosts are serving corn on the cob and BBQ ribs. The object of your desire is standing there wearing a barely there sundress or tank top and short shorts. She is also feasting on a few bones of ribs, looking suggestively your way as she licks her fingers…or she bites into a piece of corn and the buttery juices run down her chin…

So I suggest you plan an intimate picnic for two al fesco and al naturel in the privacy of your backyard. Feed each other juicy bits of fruit, like strawberries, and grapes, and let nature take its course!

Bon Appetite!!

Get your tongue out of my mouth, I am kissing you goodbye!!

 

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One of the hardest things to do in a relationship, is of course, end it! But sometimes ending it is the best thing to do. This is especially true if the relationship is an abusive one. Abuse can take all sorts of forms. Physical is the most obvious, but verbal and emotional are the most insidious. I know too many women who have stayed in an abusive relationship because, “he loves me. He only hits me (insert yells, degrades etc…) because I provoke him!”  Women and men do not provoke abuse!  Abusers abuse because they have the power and control in a relationship. We as adult human beings have a choice in all things we do. Do not think otherwise!! If you are in an abusive relationship, whether as the abuser or the abused, get help. There are many resources out there.

I do not like to admit it, but both of my husbands abused me, or I should say tried to do so. Yes, husbands..I have played on both sides of the bed my friends! I left both of these men not because I am Gay, but because they were abusive to me and/or my children. It was not an easy decision to make, but I knew in the long run I would be better off. I received counseling which helped me immensely.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply kiss that thing goodbye!

Here is a link to signs of an abusive relationship:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm